Translations of Metro-speak for our touristy friends
As we move into the warmer days of spring, followed by summer, the DC metro area tends to get a large number of tourists.
This is true even though their was, at least as of two months ago, a Long Fence around the Capitol reflecting pool in order to protect you from the violent terrorist ducks that swim there with their cute future jihad-warring ducklings. Personally, this would scare me away, but we are a nation of brave patriots, unafraid of our mallardly enemies.
In any case, as most tourists are unfamiliar with the Metrorail system, I thought I would provide a guide to understanding the announcements you may hear from time to time, either on the trains, or in the stations. You see, Metro train and station operations speak a different language than the rest of us, even though it sounds very similar, so it is essential you understand the true meaning of what is being said.
In the stations:
Attention customers traveling on the Red Line in the direction of Shady Grove. We are currently experiencing minor delays due to a mechnical malfunction at New York Avenue. A train will be at your station momentarily.
This translates to the following:
One of our trains broke and they are very heavy, so it takes us a while to move them off the tracks. I hope you enjoy waiting 35 minutes for another train, because that’s how long it’s really going to be before one gets to your station. After all, why would we have thought ahead and planned a way to move trains off the main tracks without it taking 20 minutes. I would suggest you really just go to sleep and stop looking down the tunnel for lights. I’ll make another blaring loud announcement when it is time to wake up, or more likely, you’ll hear the train, being that they are very large and very loud.
On the trains:
There is a train directly behind us
This translates to “There is a train within the next 15 minutes”
Doors closing
This translates to “Doors are closing, don’t try to get on the train”
Please stand clear of the doors, thank you
This translates to “Get the fuck out of the doorway you moron, this is not rocket science”
Please do not block the doorways, there is a train directly behind us.
This translates to “To the dumb asshole who didn’t listen to the first two messages and decided to try to jump through closing doors onto a completely packed train where they wouldn’t fit anyway, even though the next train is less than 1 minute away: If you do not remove your handbag from the door so it can close, I am going to be forced to put the brake on, come over there, and beat you to an inch of your life with the aforementioned handbag. Also, as an aside we appreciate that you decided it was really important to hold up a train with 350 people on it trying to get home because you are a super important person who has to be on this train, instead of the completely empty one waiting for us to leave the station. I hope you die in a fire”
I hope this guide is found useful for all of our visiting patriots.